How to deal with an emotionally manipulative and abusive parent as a child.
The Uniqueness of the Child–Parent Relationship
There’s something uniquely confusing about realizing that your relationship with a parent isn’t just “difficult”—it’s harmful. The parent–child relationship often doesn’t look the way people expect, because what is portrayed to the world might seem like closeness. Things that help bolster this illusion—frequent calls, strong opinions—can make a parent come across as someone who is “just very involved.”
But on the inside it can feel like walking a tightrope: constantly managing their reactions, second-guessing your choices, feeling a quiet sense of inadequacy, and a low hum of guilt for wanting space.
But They Are My Parent
As an adult, you start to notice patterns that didn’t have words when you were younger. Conversations that somehow always turn back to them. Boundaries that are ignored, minimized, or punished. Moments where your needs are met with defensiveness, or worse—made to feel like a betrayal.
And still, there’s that pull: But they’re my parent. That’s where the distress lives—in the in-between.
You’re Not a Child Anymore
You’re not a child anymore, but the dynamic hasn’t caught up. You’re trying to build a life that reflects who you are, while carrying the weight of someone else’s expectations, emotions, and control.
It can show up in ways you don’t immediately connect:
- Feeling anxious before answering their calls
- Over-explaining your decisions to avoid conflict
- Guilt when setting even reasonable boundaries
- Questioning your own perception after conversations
- A deep sense of responsibility for their emotional state
Grieving the Parent You Wish You Had
This isn’t just “family stuff.” It’s relational strain that impacts your sense of self.
And one of the hardest parts? Grieving the parent you wish you had, while still dealing with the one you do.
There’s no clean or easy answer here. Some people create distance. Some redefine the relationship with clearer boundaries. Some stay connected, but shift how much access the parent has to their inner world.
What matters is this: you are allowed to have limits—even with your parent.
You are allowed to choose peace over obligation.
You are allowed to stop explaining yourself to someone committed to misunderstanding you.
And you are allowed to build a life that doesn’t revolve around managing someone else’s control.
What This Kind of Healing Actually Looks Like
This kind of healing is quiet and often invisible. It looks like pausing before responding. Saying less. Holding your ground. Letting discomfort exist without rushing to fix it.
It’s not about changing them.
It’s about finally choosing you.
— Elle Damian, RMHCI